Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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