I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
