I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
