Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
