I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
