She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
