im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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