After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
