Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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