the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
