My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I could fuck to npr.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
