I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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