No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
