Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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