I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
