You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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