Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
