I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
