I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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