Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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