my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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