Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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