dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
