Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
