A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
