I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
