I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
