you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
