does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
