To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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