God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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