Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
