I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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