i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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