Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
