I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You need a sexual gate keeper
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
