he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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