My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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