he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
