I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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