we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
