proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
