My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
this beer tastes like vomit already
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
