Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
