I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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