Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i think my mom watched the whole time
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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