I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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