who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
