he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
