i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
