do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
