i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
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