She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
