never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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