Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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