We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
