You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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